#18

God I hope I get it.
I hope i get it.
...
how many boys,
how many girls?
...
i really need this job
please god i need this job
i've got to get this show

Ok, maybe I haven't GOT to get it...but GOD i want it. Actually, if I could just interview w/ these two guys for the rest of my life, that would be great. They put me at ease SO well and I really felt just...COMFY with them.

haha "don't crash the set!"

I don't know if I'm going to get it. Hell, at this point, the interview is enough to make me euphoric for a week, and REALLY, i've GOT other things that I'm doing...it's not like i need something to do. but in reality, this food in the door is all i need.

High stress happens, but melded with those two, i don't see how it could be horrendous. I've really NEVER felt so at ease. Of course, my luck COULD be failing as my express train JUST decided it was gonna run local. yeah. thanks. jerks.

I would like to get home and email my thank you. assholes.

re: this job
I really want it. Realllly. The cons, of course, come from the fact that I'll lose my health insurance for a while. and my transportation pay. and my dental. and optical.

but that's how this [word not readable] works. I'll just have to reamin EXTREMELY healthy for the next like...6 months.

I have to really watch my spending. So I'll spend it all on OJ (for the vitamin-C) and Kanka (for the cold sores I get from drinking too much citric acid).

No, really, I have to not spend money anymore. If I get this job, at least. Well, either way, actually. But if I get this job, I can buy myself 2 new pairs of jeans, a new shirt and some running sneakers. And even those, I'm praying Salvation Army will have.

The trick is reminding myself not to take money out of my savings acct no matter the situation. I'll starve before I can't pay my rent. Yay Rahmen.

And my coat seriously needs to go to the dry-cleaners, but it'll survive at least half the winter. NTS: email Ali's resume and cover letter.

I adapt realy well. I forgot to say that in so many words, but i think they got the gist...."i'll just buy some comfy shoes..." :)

I'm really proud that I even went on the interview. I mean, comparatively, where is everyone else now? Shit. NTS call/email Phil.

PS I need some new shirts. One of my favorites, I discovered today, is badly stained. Boo kitchen. boo.

I really want this job. But I seriously don't want to count my chickens yet. Even THOUGH I have never come out of an interview feeling SO good. Except of course for my RTC interview where I was hired on the spot...hey, they were short a hand or two.

This train smells like pulled pork BBQ. wtf.

I think, regardless of the actual experience, this job would be really good for me in terms of helping me budget and organize. Especially budget. Very fortunately I've got at last another 1.5 RTC checks coming to me, so I won't be broke going into it. THAT is a safety.

And if I don't get it, well, then, I have new resume paper, and I'll dish out the $14 for the latest theatrical indes, and i'll start looking again. Especially because, come mid-November, I'll have $1,000 more than I would have without Spaghetti...

so we'll see.

next stop's mine.

huh. how poignant.

#17

I need to stay out of office supply stores. $75 later... and that's just buying "necessities..."

I hate being late to anything. But especially anything theatre-related. I'm usually extremely punctual, and I hate that one instance of lateness...anyway right now I"m running late for a meeting. Fortunately, the train just got here and hopefully I'lll catch up with an express. But I'm not holding my breath.

Got a new journal. That's why I'm writing...
WOOHOO! caught an express!

So...I'm really bad...or rather i have a really bad oral fixation. so i chew like crazy on all of my pens. (why is this express so slow....boooooooo) anyway, pens...i bought new ones so they're...well, one hopes they're unchewed. so there's nothing to grip...okay this is sort of weird.

Ok this little 5-year-old behind be just goes in reference to the underground status of the subway: "This looks like a gold mine. Or a coal mine. But the local should be slower. We're going to get to the 59th street mine...station...first." .... he's like 5.

Has anyone else noticed how much Jane Alexander looks like Rosemary Harris? I saw the preview for a movie that has Morgan Freeman, Norbert Leo Butz, John Mahoney, and Jane Alexander in it (at least...i THINK that was all the same preview) and I could have SWORN that Jane Alexander was Rosemary Harris.

#16

So many options, and unfotunately all of them happening at the same time. I know what I WANT to do but not what I CAN do. 'm so wrapped up in loyalty and knowing my rent is paid for…do I stay safe and work the two easiest together? Or do I drop the most consistent job I've had in ages to do something ig. Maybe go to California. I have no idea.

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I don't even know if I WOULD go to California. But the possibility's a little daunting. And then what happens after.

There's a man sitting next to me w/ a cage. In it is either a med-size parrot or a large parakeet. He's beautiful.I want one. And I hope this guy's subway stop has an elevator.

So many good people. I wish I could do more to help.

This is a great post-theatre express train. Not TOO full. Quiet, besides the parrot. Not cold. Not warm. Just right.

I'm longing to do a show partly because I miss the show mentality, the community, the ability to say I'm working ON something instead of just I'm working for… I think that's my life's ambition. To be woring ON something. The idea which overposers working FOR someone.

I need life change but consistent…

I'm getting home sooner than I thought. Two stops away and it's only been 13 minutes. I love it when it works that way. Straight from turnstile to express, from express to local, no waiting, and from local to home.

If what you have is a home. I haven't really given that much thought. What I know is that what I'm living is life and home or "house" or "apt" doesn't amtter yet.

#15

I finished reading Ragtime today, after wanting to read it for almost 5 years now I finally picked it up and finished it in like 3 days. go me.

It's actually REALLY good. and I have to say the musical did a fantastic job of emoting like the book. They're both beautiful. the novel is granted, more carnal. But that's Doctorow going for Victorian shock appeal.

I may or may not have gotten a job offer for a show yesterday*. It's small and I don't want to jinx it...I would kill to be doing a bigger show right now, but a little one is just what i need to keep me going as we get into autumn and i need my health insurance more haha.

I really lucked out on that. My ear infection came back. I was thinking between the doctor and the meds...$45 easy. Nope. $30. Good times.

Okay the point of Jennifer Convertables is that they convert into sofabeds, right? so why does this picture have an expensive coffee table and setting when that crap's just gonna get shoved out of the way anyway?

I'm glad I can take painkillers with my meds. The meds may get rid of the infection, but the pain is still a bitch.

I'm really tired. Being up til 5 will do that to you. I guess. Ah well. Almost home.

*for the record, when I got home tonight I had ANOTHER job-related email in my inbox...these are interesting times....

#14

I think I'm getting happier as the days go on. Not that I wasn't happy before, but I'm rediscovering my passions and finding people I can share those passions with.

A year ago, if you had asked me if I was happy, my answer would have been "for the moment" whereas now it's "yes."

A year ago, if you'd asked me a LOT of questions the answers would be different.

Like "what are your dreams"...very different answer.

August 7 last year was a Monday. This year it's a Tuesday. So it goes. Changes continue to happen. And ideas and dreams are just a little bit skewed.

I am in love with life. With all that affects me to the point of change. Every new path requires soemone to shove nature aside and tread on it before it becomes a path...See, even that which seems bad leads to good.

I'm finally excited by and about life. I finally have something to look foward to--Me. I finally understand the presence of negatives. No matter how much someone tries to put me down, I know that I'm ending as the better person. Bitter about very little, loving so very muh, and appreciating much more.

Ahh, the mid-day local. Quiet, cold, a little slow, nice. I know I tend to harp on MTA buses and mid-day locals. I'll get over it one day.

My hand is healing slowly...but healing. Not like I was ever going to be a hand model. I think we established that when I was 4 and started biting my nails, and then when I was 10 and got the coolest scar on my finger. Damn bike. *shakes fist* ruined my dreams of modeling for dove.

I'm kidding.

Whoever told you
that those pants were okay?
They were lying
or incompetent.
spring-green patterned linen
with room for two
never.
Whoever told you
cadet goes with cerulean.
they were mistaken
whoever told you
those lace up sandals
make sense?
Was it jesus? or Moses?
It doesn't look good for you
But you don't care
with your blue-tinted glasses
and khaki purse.
your hair cut in
all directions
you're you and that's
all that matters

You know what I thought was interesting...in Hunchback (Disney) Quasimodo is kind and humble even though Frollo has always been false and cruel to him. But in Hugo's Notre-Dame, the point is that Frollo WAS kind to him. Humbled him, surely, but was good to him. How does Disney make sense of that? Esmeralda is correct in her inquisition as to how such a "cruel man" could raise such a kind person.

Tonight was amazing. And riding the train home to "Comptine" is making me....beatific.

Tempos off, notes not...that's beautiful.

That's exactly what it is. The tempos are off, but the notes are not. We're singing the same song just in different rooms. Through the walls of our lives we cannot see the same conductor. The soul puzzle. It's so much more beautiful and makes so much more sense now.

I don't think I've ever known so many sweet people as I do right now in my life.

#13

There was a man on the subway platform ranting quite speedily about being in the US Marines and experiencing the REAL Jurassic park and cutting off a raptor's head...makes you wonder sometimes...

I wish I was more specifically ethnic...or like...traditionally ethnic sometimes. I.e. Indians can wear saris wherever they want and not be judged. People who wear clothes from traditional/tribal African nations are the same. I get away with um...nothing.

Yesterday and today were digustingly hot. Even after the rain. But at least there's a nice. breeze on this corner.

This bus is cold. I've really taken to taking the bus now. It's quieter. Cooler. and takes just a LITTLE more time. Enough for me to appreciate what I'm reading or writing.

I worked an extra 3 hours today mostly because I need the overtime. But also because I didn't wanna go home. I have nothing to do when I go home. Exept type these up. I go home, I sleep, i wake up 8 hours later. there's nothing else to do at home. Besides, there's work to be done at work.

I have nyquil at home. That's a good thing. I'm too congested to sleep properly.

Ah yes. Gardening and Liquor two things that go fabulously together. What?

Is it bad that the biggest worry in my life right this second is the fact that this "pine green" pen is actually inking as "blue spruce"...not to be confused with spruce goose.

I'm too lazy to cook meat. unless it's chicken cutlets. you know...breaded...egg...mmmm
but yeah. too lazy.

#12

"Time erodes. People erode more."
Look at what we do to ourselves each day. to each other. Makes me want to scream. I'm 22 years old...I hate...I'm so stubborn. I'm so headstrong. Rory would like to blame it on "being Italian" but, for one, I'm not JUST Italan. And two, anyone can be this bitchy, regardless of heritage
I'm 22 years old and I have no real idea of where I'd like my life to go. I've got snippets of ideas, but none of them fit together as a) acceptable or b) worthwhile. Janio says to me the other day--you should forget about stage managing and do props. It takes forever to make all that money as a stage manager...props people...there's a higher demand...

But it's not about the money. I mean, to a point, yes. but my life will not be successful based on how much money I'm making, but on how colorful I can make it. If I cared about money like that, I'd be a doctor or a lawyer...and then commit suicide because I'd be so unhappy with my life.
I'm so incredibly passionate about living life my way that I assume no one understands and never will. so i shut them out. I know that makes me sound pompous and cold, but It's who I am. I'm going to have to find my way through life on my terms and i can't drag people with me who are daft, incapable of sympathising, too set on being an adult, or too set on being a child. I'm 22 years old which means I'm both. An adult by law, a child by experience, an adult in attitude, a child in behavior. And I get pissed off by stupidity easily.
I resent a lot of people from high school for making me grow up too fast, and regret internalizing it to a point that I became selfish. I have hated and resented and despised myself for over 6 years for being so ungrateful that day in May of 2001. I don't deserve gifts after that. and ever since then it's been extremely difficult to show gratitude. I'm not worth the effort in the end.
I thought I was growing out of that for a while. but I realized it was all lies.
And then something happened almost 6 years to the day that made me think that...just...maybe...I am worth it. because the lies were over. Perhaps I have turned out stronger for it. More headstrong, to be certain, but my thank yous have gotten better and my tears more genuine.
I'm still pretty much a loner, though. In my mind, at least. I'm very self-sufficient in that often times other people's imput and opinions are not necessary. Especially when...I hate people who are misinformed who try to talk about what they know nothing about.
I want my life, not anyone else's. So i have to do it on my own and for me.
Right now I'm really pretty happy. I know there's something else out there fore me, but I'm 22. and I have time. Whether I die tomorrow or 70 years from now, it's not going to matter that I paused while I was happy. I have to do what makes me happy.
Whether that's stage managing, or props, or playing wiht masks at RTC, or planning to be interior decorators with Barb, or finding sanity in this non-relationship I'm in, or spending the rest of my life just discovering by venting like this, sitting at the fountains @ Columbus Circle or Lincoln Center, road tripping to Salem, running around Disney, sitting at the dog run, what does it matter so long as I'm happy and can afford my rent every month?