#46

Disclaimer:
I have to apologize. This isn’t really an entry deserving of a number. It should have a title. It shouldn’t be used as part of a series. But this has been bothering me a lot, especially when I’m traveling, and I feel like if I were to title it instead of numbering it, that would be like giving this person permission to keep this bullshit up. But by putting a number on it, I’m allowing everyone to take a step back and actually think. I hope it works.



As a friend, I’m a fantastic listener. I’m usually pretty good with advice, but my listening is much more important, both to me and to my friends. That being said, I hope that when the time comes for me to do the talking, or for me to have an issue or need a sounding board, that those same friends that I’m there for will have some kind of response. It doesn’t have to be great, but one would hope that they would at least try to listen. So why is it that one of my closest friends, one with many, many problems and in need of a lot of support, cannot even bother to listen when I just want to talk? I usually don’t even COME to my friends with my problems. I internalize WAY more than most of my close friends and when I do have something to say it’s usually a sharing experience, not a cry for help. So why all the avoidance?

How can you, as a friend, take take take all the attention you can, and give little to none? I mean, even when I’m sick or busy or tired I still try to be there for my friends and I still listen. So how can you talk and talk and then the SECOND that I have ANYthing interesting happening in my life, you shut off. You’ve got a headache. You can’t really listen right now. Your mind is totally elsewhere right now. How selfish can you be? Maybe I’m wrong here, maybe I’m just seeing the situation in this light because I’m the one affected by it, but I’m not exactly a greedy friend. I don’t demand attention (for the most part. Everyone, as I’ve said in the past, has their moments. But it’s not like I badger people into being my friends and then badger them into being my shoulder to cry on. No. I don’t do that); I don’t demand your ear. So when I do have the inclination to actually share something I’m going through (not even a cry for help or advice!), your ability to switch off like a light is unnerving and I’m not really sure what to do with it.

I’m sorry that my address seems incoherent and that I seem to be switching from 3rd person to 2nd to 1st to 3rd. But my inability to be grammatically consistent is an effect of my being completely bewildered by this situation. I’ve learned to accept that we all have our own lives and can’t always be there for one another. I know that we can’t all always be completely responsive. My best friend lives fucking upstate! I see her SO rarely. So yes, I know that lives cannot be parallel and overlapping at all times. I GET that. I get that I can’t EXPECT the support to be there every time I need it. But how about ANY of the times that I need it? Could we stop talking about YOU for one bloody second?!?!

I know that people get busy. As I said, my best friend lives upstate. Two of my best friends live in or near the city, but I’ve only gotten to see them 2 or 3 times in the past year. One of my friends from college thought I had moved out of state. My friends from high school either don’t live in New York, or do but I haven’t seen most of them in 5 years. Even my friends at work (which is where I spend most of my time) and I don’t hang out outside of Roundaparties and the occasional goodbye party. It is so hard to even get the time to call people in this freaking city, let alone SEE someone. But we were fucking walking down the street together in midtown. You weren’t busy. You just didn’t want to listen. You wanted to plug yourself into those earbuds as fast as you could and walk the fuck away. God forbid you should actually give a shit.

Contrary to my mother’s belief (I must have been a selfish little girl growing up) I’m a very giving person with my time and attentions and affections, so the balance will always be slightly off because I’m usually more giving than most people. I’m not saying that I’m a terribly nice person. I’m really not. But I’m nice to those I know and love. And that’s…all that should really matter. I mean, I’m not running the U.N. or something. But the balance right now with this one person is nil. This friend has not even shown up at the scale. . I’m sorry that you’re going through a lot of shit right now, but if you’re going to be so completely depressed every second of the day and so completely unresponsive, then why should I bother? Maybe I’m just a self-righteous bitch. I don’t think that’s true…in fact, I’m told that that’s not true at all, but I find it hard to believe that I’m so consistent in finding people like you to piss me the fuck off.

I actually looked up FRIEND in the dictionary, since I thought that maybe I was missing something. Microsoft Word 2003 (perhaps not the best reference, but certainly the closest one I had at the time) says the following:
Friend
1. someone emotionally closer; somebody who trusts and is fond of another
2. acquaintance; somebody who thinks well of or is on good terms with somebody elese
3. ally; an ally, or somebody who is not an enemy
4. advocate of cause; a defender or supporter of a cause, group, or principle
5. patron; a patron of a charity or institution. Friends of cultural institutions often receive privileges such as invitations to special events and the opportunity to order tickets before the general public

Based on the preceding definition, the only thing keeping us friends at the moment is the fact that I don’t think of you as an enemy. Everything else is rocky. You can’t expect to just take and not give at some point. Any relationship like that is not worth retaining, on either end.